Christmas of 2018

Christmas of 2018

As I promised myself I am delivering. This year for christmas

– I was suppose to have a small Christmas tree. It’s done.

– I was suppose to decorate my Christmas tree with gingerbread cookies which I was going to bake myself. It’s done.

– I was suppose to be hopeful. I am on the right path.

Why do people love this holiday so much? The time of the year, one might say. Why so?

I have very little memory of my childhood in general therefore I remember little about christmas but there are certain things I do remember clearly.

I remember looking at the winter sky, the stars and to wait for that very first star on Christmas Eve to start blinking so we could begin eating dinner. All of that was possible because I was living in the village with no city lights.

I remember my brother who is 11 years older then me, allowing me to join him and his friends for a downhill sledging nearby our home. I could spend entire day with them enjoying winter and myself.

As an adult woman who has her own family I have never found the need in me to create the perfect christmas atmosphere with the songs, the ornaments, the tree, the food, the gifts nor have I ever impatiently waited for this time to finally arrive. If there were kids at home me and my husband would need to reconsider things. I rather waited impatiently for this time to be over. I think my present family christmas traditions is to have no tradition. Peace and quiet, that’s what I always wanted, especially for christmas and never received it. My fear which I carried with me from my childhood home, didn’t allow me to be who I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do.

This year I decided to experience some magic of joyful christmas, to be happy, peaceful and hopeful. Having Christmas tree is kind of a sign for the change that is happening in me. I am not pushing myself to do any of those things. It is a deep need in me that wants to be fulfilled.

Merry Christmas to all of you. Lots of love ❤️